💔 ADHD & Relationships: Part 1: The Self-Trust Crisis and the Value-Action Gap
ADHD doesn't just impact your deadlines; it attacks the foundation of your inner life: self-trust.
You know what you value—being reliable, competent, and present. Yet, time and again, your actions fall short of your intentions. This internal conflict—the gap between what you want to do and what you can do—is the Value-Action Gap. For adults with ADHD, this gap is the primary source of chronic shame and eroded self-worth.
At Brilla Counseling Services, we specialize in this internal struggle. We understand that your challenge is not a lack of willpower, but a blindness to valid Executive Functioning (EF) barriers. We use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help you see those barriers, repair self-trust, and finally align your actions with your deepest values.
1. The Paradox of Knowing vs. Doing: The Value-Action Gap
The Value-Action Gap describes the painful distance between your inner commitments and your outer behavior. If you have ADHD, this cycle is uniquely devastating:
Values: You have clear, strong values (e.g., connection, health, competence).
Action: Inconsistent follow-through, task paralysis, and procrastination dominate.
The consistent failure to bridge this gap, despite knowing better, leads to one core conclusion: "I cannot trust myself." This breakdown of self-trust fuels chronic avoidance and paralyzing shame, locking you out of the life you genuinely want to live.
2. The Invisible Wall: Blindness to Executive Functioning Barriers
The root cause of the Value-Action Gap is often a fundamental misunderstanding of EF barriers—the invisible neurological friction that stops the action.
The non-ADHD brain often perceives a task as one step: "Start the project." The ADHD brain faces a multi-step EF obstacle course:
When you are "blind" to these valid barriers, you misinterpret failure to complete the task as a character flaw (laziness, lack of discipline), rather than a neurological roadblock requiring a structural solution. This failure of interpretation is what destroys self-trust.
3. The Vicious Cycle: From Failure to Avoidance
The erosion of self-trust traps the adult with ADHD in a devastating cycle:
High Intention/Value: "I will commit to a consistent routine because I value reliability."
EF Barrier Hits: Task initiation friction or working memory overload sets in.
Action Fails: The task is avoided or abandoned, leading to internal criticism.
Self-Trust Collapses: "I knew I couldn't trust myself to follow through. I'm unreliable."
Avoidance Strategy: To protect the self from further failure and shame, the brain leans into avoidance (procrastination, distraction), reinforcing the cycle.
This avoidance, driven by a lack of self-trust, prevents you from building the reliable evidence you need to believe in your own capability.
🔑 ACT: The Key to Restoring Self-Trust
At Brilla Counseling Services, we use specialized ACT-based problem-solving to systematically close the Value-Action Gap by leveraging Cognitive Defusion and Incremental, Values-Based Action.
1. Naming the Barrier (Shifting from "Flaw" to "Friction")
The first step in healing self-trust is validating the EF barrier. We replace self-blame with precise, non-judgmental observation:
Instead of: "I'm lazy because I procrastinated."
We use: "I noticed high task initiation friction when approaching that high-stakes project."
This defusion teaches the brain that the struggle is an external obstacle (solvable), not an internal defect (irreparable).
2. Defining Micro-Actions that Honor Your Values
We work collaboratively to define actions so small they bypass the EF barrier, yet still move you toward a core value. We call this Incremental Change.
Value: Competence → Action: "Open the email and read the first sentence."
Value: Health → Action: "Put on your shoes."
These tiny, values-aligned actions are highly effective because they re-establish self-trust through immediate, consistent success. By consistently keeping small promises to yourself, you build the evidence required to believe in your own reliability.
⭐ Ready to Close the Gap and Trust Yourself Again?
You don't need more shame; you need specialized strategy and validation.
Brilla Counseling Services offers evidence-based ADHD therapy that targets the Value-Action Gap head-on. We offer in-person appointments in our East Sacramento, CA office and convenient online services across California.
Contact Brilla Counseling today for a free consultation to start building self-trust and aligning your actions with the life you value.
